“I never was the one who faced insanity,”
“On, the edge, one too many times; this isn’t me.”
Sara Adyms - “This Isn’t Me”
-in dedication to Owen Wilson, and the countless others before him-
It gets worse by the season, or by the light of the full moon. It grows an edge during times of stress or conflict and steals a voice through a moment of vulnerability…Something that kidnaps your joy and drains your desire. It is given power by fear, lonliness, heartache or scorn. It is strengthened by perceptions of failure or alienation, even if unfounded.
And we are told to drug ourselves, because only a drug can abolish the disease that kills us from the inside before it convinces us to do the same to our outer shell. They say it balances chemicals in our brain that make these thoughts come to us; and for some people, this is very true.
But not for everyone.
In some cases, the pills remove our ability to feel. Without our acute level of empathy and logic; dulled by the medicine promised to take away our weakness, we stop fighting the entropy that calls our name and simply give in. Suddenly, we lack the ability to care anymore, and the part of our brain that would have normally stopped us from listening doesn’t care either; because it’s been supressed.
Intelligence can lead to depresssion, but sometimes, it is intelligence that can keep us from plunging over into it completely. The small grain of logic that keeps us from doing anything stupid; even though we teeter dangerously on the line, day after day. …but that’s one of the reasons why depression is so dangerous…this is why depression can kill.
This isn’t always the case; and I envy those who can take a pill and just feel better about themselves. For those who no longer feel the crushing blow of the weight that drags the rest of us down into a darkness that refuses to release us. It is easy to lose yourself, and it’s even harder when you feel as though you must suffer through it alone.
The only thing worse than the disease, is being judged for it. Being judged on the basis on this little part of you that doesn’t represent the person we are beneath it. Being scorned or looked down on because there are times when we can’t just smile and make everything okay. Being mocked in our misery, from those who would believe it just for attention or from an addiction and that we have the power to change our attitude if we wanted.
…Those sort of people will never understand.
But we do.
Some of us defend ourselves with laughter, some of us with lonely smiles that hide our pain. Some react in anger, lashing out at others for fear that their pain will be toppled by betrayal, letting fear chase away the very thing, and only thing that has any chance of saving us from ourselves.
Friends.
It’s hard to reach out when you are hurting, but for the lucky ones, you don’t have to; because your friends won’t let you just give up, or give in. Friends won’t let you run away from life or be content to let you believe that death is the only escape from this mental, physical and emotional rollercoaster that puts a chilling eclipse in our lives.
Because there is hope, for as long as we can take this life one day at a time; and one moment more than before. It may seem silly, but there is truth to putting our selfish desire to end it all on hold for just five more minutes…ten…or until tomorrow.
Imaginary in the minds of the ignorant, our pain is dangerously real, and there is no magic pill that can take away our struggle against our greatest demons, or the despair they cause us to feel.
Shame on those who exploit this vulnerability. There is a deep disgust within myself saved just for those sort of people, who would rather mock than give unconditional kindness; you are part of this disease…you just don’t really care as long as you get what you want out of life. The pain is all too real, and while we know death is not the solution; understand that there are times when it just seems so damn tempting, that we just can’t help but convince ourselves that it is.
And so those are the times, when I encourage you to go to your room, close your eyes, and go to sleep. Without Drugs, without Drink, and without thought of for tomorrow.
Because no matter how bad things are; there is always tomorrow…and you never know what that’s going to bring.
Life is so short; and death for so long…don’t forget to live.
